Running from Life

 
Recently, I had an opportunity to take a few days for myself. This may not sound like anything grand to a normal person, but to a single mom always frantic over finances and keeping my self-made business afloat, it is always the furthest thing from my imagination.

The circumstances around receiving this gift of time were not the greatest. Something I had been working tirelessly on as well looking forward to within my work did not come to fruition. Honestly, I was heartbroken, but at the same time it was a learning experience in the end. It gave me a sense of peace for understanding the reasoning amidst the outcome and have faith in the continued progression of my work.

My work is blessing and gift to me. It is not typical by any means. And sometimes you just must accept that life must fall into countless separate places for others to embrace the offerings which I provide. I can do all that I need to do, but those hearing the call to attend must be willing to pause and embrace it. Some days it is bountiful and others gentle silence.

The piece I love about this work is I embrace the call each and every time an idea comes forth knowing those who come are embracing their own call. Again, not typical income by any means, but I would not change it for the world.

So, now, in this moment which felt like defeat, turned into a blessing I normally offer to others. A weekend to myself. I intentionally did not take any work with me on this weekend away. In fact, I took with me art supplies, my journal, exercises I usually lead others in on retreats and one particular project I wanted to give space to.

The first deep breath I took as I arrived opening the doors to the ocean before me, the blessing of tears began to fall slowly and freely. It took me by surprise, honestly. The next few hours I simply sat, breathed in the ocean, ate a mindful lunch, and took in the sounds around me as I sat in the sun on the deck. I was in awe.

I truly had not noticed that I had not given myself the gift of genuine rest like this in an amount of time that I could not even remember. I go for walks, I meditate, take little moments in my days. But, this type of gesture, felt like a guilty pleasure. As a mom and single one at that, I just recognize responsibilities need to come first.

I did not always feel this way on my journey. In my younger years I was particularly good at taking what I call a monastery day, twenty-four hours alone to just be. Though, as life progressed, and babies turned into teenagers who needed even more if you could believe that my self-care faded away.

If there was one thing, I learned this weekend that I wanted to take away, I want to stop running from life.

I deserve rest.
I deserve joy.
I deserve an occasional evening out to dinner or favorite brunch on a Sunday deck.

This day I am coming home to myself.

A sentiment I have felt in countless unique ways over the course of my lifetime and yet each time I get to this space, I remember it differently. When I keep myself so busy, I am simply running from life. I intentionally am running from the pause.

Maybe, it is because I am afraid more is going to be asked of me?
Maybe it is because I will have to see exactly the truth in needing to take my own advice to care for myself?
Maybe, because I know it will be hard. And who really likes hard?

Well, this weekend, I was challenged to stop running and listen, pause, rest, and begin again. It was time I needed to gain perspective on the path I have been walking and accept the challenge to change the things that have not been working.

Is it going to be hard? Absolutely.
Am I glad that I took the risk? Absolutely.
​Am I ready? I am indeed.

Do not wait around for life to climb on top of you and take you down by continuing to run from it in the busyness. Get ahead of the sprint and take the hard road. You will be glad you did.


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